"Oh, this is wonderful,"
says the school teacher to St. Peter, "Is
this where I'll be staying?"
"No, this is the doctors' area," replied St. Peter.
They continue the journey
and come to another beautiful neighborhood.
Again everyone is outside socializing. People are on tennis courts,
swimming in pools, etc. "My, this IS paradise," gushed the teacher,
"Is this my neighborhood?"
"No, no, the teacher's area is next."
They move on among the clouds
until they reach and equally beautiful
neighborhood, but no one is outside. No one is visible anywhere and
the houses appear to be closed and empty.
"Well, here we are," said
St. Peter with a smile, "Isn't this a fine
place to be?"
"Yes," replied the teacher
with noticeable disappointment in her
"Don't many teachers make it to heaven? I don't see anyone else here?"
"Sure, we get lots of teachers.
Don't worry they'll all be here
tomorrow. They're just down in hell for another inservice."
From: "Wanda S Jones" <email@example.com>
.Twas the Night Before School Starts
Twas the Night Before School
from Ron Yorgason
T'was the night before school
And all through the place,
Not a smile was seen
On any kid's face.
Our bags were all stuffed
With our notebooks brand new,
And rulers and pencils
With erasers to chew.
All crawled into bed,
Knowing too well
That the 'good life' was dead.
Then mom came in whistling
And kissed us goodnight,
With a bright cheery voice
That didn't seem right.
The night dragged on slowly
I just couldn't sleep,
For fear that my math teacher
Would be a real creep.
Or maybe a bully
Would give me a shove,
Or even more evil things
Than I could think of.
When from in the next room
There arose such a clamber,
My mom yelled, "I'm FREE!"
"I'm free 'till next summer!"
This must be a plot
By conspiring moms,
Who just want a break
To experience 'calm.'
Oh, must I go through it?!
How can I go on?
I want to escape
Run off to Saigon!
Nine months is too long
To suffer through school
The classes so rough
And teachers who're cruel.
"Come Donald! Come Conner!
Come Henry VanStation!
Come up to the board,
Do your multiplication!"
"And Julie, stop talking!
And Jimmy, wake up!
And Mary, right now,
Don't do your makeup!"
Teachers ever are hounding
They just never quit.
You do something wrong,
They go into a fit.
And so every year
About this same time,
I lie in bed sleepless
And just moan and whine.
Until morning comes,
And I hear my mom say,
"Good luck with your school!
And have a nice day!"
"Let me see if I've got
this right. You want me to go into that
room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a
love for learning.
Not only that, I'm to instill
a sense of pride in
their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe
them for signs of abuse. I am to fight the war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns
and raise their self-esteem.
I'm to teach them patriotism,
good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair
play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how
for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.
I am to check their heads
occasionally for lice, maintain a safe
environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior,
offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student
employment and scholarships, encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of
others, and, oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my
class fifty percent of my attention.
I'm required by my contract
to be working on my own time (summers
and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional
certification, advanced certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the
cheerleaders or the sophomore class (my choice) and after school. I am to
attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in
staff development training to maintain my current certification and
I am to be a paragon of
virtue larger than life, such
that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient
and respectful of authority. I am often given "advise" on how to
do my job by every person ever to have gone to school before
and I am to do it with just a piece of chalk, a few books
and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my
family for food stamps in many states.
Is that all?"
RULES FOR TEACHERS 1915.
You will NOT marry during
the term of your contract.
You are NOT to keep company with men.
You MUST be home between the hours of 8pm and 6am unless attending a school function.
You MAY NOT loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
You MAY NOT travel beyond the city limits without the permission of the chairman of the board.
You MAY NOT ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
You MAY NOT smoke cigarettes
You MAY NOT dress in bright colors.
You may UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES dye your hair.
You must wear AT LEAST two petticoats.
Your dresses must NOT be any shorter than two inches above the ankle
To keep the schoolroom clean
you must: -
sweep the floor at least once daily.
Scrub the floor with hot soapy water at least once a week.
Start the fire at 7 am. So that the room will be warm by 8 am
You Might be in Education if,,,
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Vellum salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8-3 and
have your summers free."
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report
7. You believe the unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy,
the kids are sure mellow today."
8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child.
9. You have no time for a life from August through June.
10. Putting all "A's on a report card would make your life SO much easier.
11. When you mention "vegetables," you are not talking about a food group.
12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before
being allow to reproduce.
13. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
14. You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
15. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught
in a middle school for at least five years.
16. You can't have children because there isn't any name you can hear that
wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
17. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
18. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this
kid like that?"
19. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
First Grade Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest. These are great:
As You Shall Make Your Bed
So Shall You... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have
To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like...
Received from Luz Platzer.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A REAL TEACHER
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.
Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.
Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.
Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.
Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.
Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.
Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.
Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.
Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.
Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.
Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.
Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams.
Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.
Real teachers can "sense" gum.
Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.
Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.
Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam's.
Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge.
Real teachers never plan discussions for first period or co-operative groups for 7th during an evaluation.
Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.
Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.
Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.
Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.
YOU KNOW YOU TEACH MIDDLE SCHOOL IF...
...you empty your pockets at night and find
1. two used hall passes
2. one unused bus pass
3. a pencil stub
4. no money (you spent your change in the faculty room candy stash)
5. a note with a drawing of Satan and two expletives that needed deleting
...you brag to your spouse about how many parent phone calls you got done today
...your relatives refuse to attend one of your parties if "it's going to be mostly teachers" because they all talk shop
...you keep trying those techniques that were recommended by experts during the latest pendulum swing
... you walk the halls of your building and unconsciously pick up litter
... you are irritated by adults who chew gum in public
... your spouse surreptitiously reads the paper at dinner while you describe your day
... you plan your seating chart so that the short kids can't hide behind bigger ones
... you have seen firsthand what gum wrappers and pennies can do to a floppy disk drive
... you write your name conspicuously on all personal objects, including your car keys, your masking tape, your textbook, and your chair.
... you sometimes choose to pretend not to hear comments that were perfectly intelligible to everyone else who was in the room
... you know what your classroom door sounds like when slammed mightily
... you have classroom rules about where people may put their feet
... you know what the ventilation fan in your room sounds like when whirling small objects, usually folded paper or wrappers
... your librarian cringes when you sign up your class
... you tell subtle jokes in class just to see those few smiles of the ones that catch on
... your class gladly acknowledges that they watch Letterman and Rosie O'Donnell and MTV but tell you they haven't time to look at something by PBS during prime time
... you despise Halloween candy, Christmas candy, and Valentine candy
... your students prefer current events stories that deal with rape, murder, electrocution, and demonic possession
... one of your students writes to Congress (on your nickel) to complain about some cigarette butts thrown into a local lake
... you still can't believe you allowed yourself to be sucked into an argument regarding whether Beanie Babies should be allowed in class
... you know at least three ways to remove objectionable doodles from textbooks so the next user will not be offended
... your team goes out for dinner to celebrate the news that your biggest headache is moving to another district
... you clean desks yourself just to keep the place looking nice and to help your own morale
... a mother calls to chew you out because you have ignored her son's project only to learn from you that it must be the one that has sat on the chalkrail for weeks with the words "Whose? Is this yours?" written above it.
... your colleagues claim you inspected a blank student agenda in study hall and said, "Let me guess: All your teachers have been absent for the last month and a half."
NEW SUGGESTED COMMENTS ON REPORT CARDS:
Since our last conference, this student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this student to breed.
This student is really not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This student should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Had two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other _____ and made it to conception.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from a fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 11/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
His wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Two Teacher Funnies
from : Scott
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Tryingto make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."
A big smile and thank you
Scott for sharing this with me and allowing me to share it with you!
The Bathroom Door is Closed.
Please do not stand here
and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out. Yes, it is locked.
I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left
it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was
afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's
been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY. Do not ask me how long I will be.
I will come out when I am done. Do not bring the phone to the bathroom
door. Do not go running back to the phone yelling She's in the BATHROOM!
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in. Do not stick your little fingers
under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two. Do not
slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this
got a little tiresome. If you have followed me down the hall talking, and
are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk
away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you
when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
If I had my child to raise over again
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger paint more and point fingers less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my
and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less
and know to care more
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious,
and seriously play.
I would run through more fields
and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often
and affirm much more.
I'd model less about the
love of power,
And more about the power of love.
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then
four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it. 'Be still, my heart!' thought my friend. 'My daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong; she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find
a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb,
though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting
it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats,
warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is
going to blow up like a balloon." Later
that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting
on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke
to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
SO KEEP THE SINGING
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One
bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
THE PRESSED LEAF
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he
looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the
Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a
tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found!" the
boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With
astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:
"It's Adam's suit!"
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.
as the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope,
he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The
little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue
depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do
you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a
stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart
beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart.
Barney's on my underpants."
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to
watch a local Little League baseball game that was
being played in a park near my home.
As I sat down behind the bench on the first base line, I
asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're
behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very
discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy asked with
a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be
discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet,"
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Never tell your mom her
diet's not working.
Never pee on an electric
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull dad's finger
when he tells you to.
When your mom is mad at
your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Never allow your three-year
old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Puppies still have bad breath
even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dust buster
and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear
under white shorts.
If you want a kitten, start
out by asking for a horse.
Felt markers are not good
to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister
when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade
in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Never, ever, try to baptize
YOU KNOW YOUR A MOM WHEN
1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
4. Your kid throws-up and you catch it.
5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
7. As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
8. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
9. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
10. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
11. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
12. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
13. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
14. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
15. You say at least once
a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade
it for anything."
TRUTHS ABOUT PARENTING
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man
when the marks he wants to leave on the
world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live
long enough to be a problem to your
- Be nice to your kids,
for it is they who will choose your nursing
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like
having a bowling alley installed in your
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like
his father, that's heredity; if he looks
like a neighbor, that's environment.
- If you have trouble getting
your children's attention, just sit
down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse
a child than it once did to educate
- It rarely occurs to teenagers
that the day will come when they'll
know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not
enough, but two children can be far too
- You can learn many things
from children... like how much patience
- Summer vacation is a time
when parents realize that teachers are
- The first sign of maturity
is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to
get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it
- There would be fewer problems
with children if they had to chop
wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.
A MOTHER KNOWS
John invited his mother
over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how
beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle from my house, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, John
received a letter from his mother which read:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
THE THINGS YOU LEARN FROM KIDS
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox
makes smoke - lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades they can ignite.
A 4 year olds' voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
Lego's will pass through the tract of a 4 year old. Duplo's will not.
Play Dough And microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGuyver can teach us many things we won't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
No matter HOW much Jell-O you put in a pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Neither do embroidered bed sheets.
Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when driving.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
Always look in the dryer before using it.
A 4 year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.
The fire department in Charleston has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean there's nothing to worry about.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.
Unfortunately, mostly in retrospect.